Opera tales (not quite serious)

[Zeitblom]

Originally Posted by Sieglinde

Leonora, Guardian, Monks: *sing a really beautiful hymn*
Audience: Awwww.
Old members of audience: I remember when Price and Christoff...
Younger member of audience: Shhh!!!

(break)

[Off-topic but true: Overheard during first interval of Rosenkavalier at Covent Garden, c.1989. "Well of course, dear, I heard Schwarzkopf at Salzburg in '52 and she f@rted her way throught it ..." ]

[Sieglinde]

ACT III

Some camp


Alvaro: Leonora is probably dead! And the composer gave me this super-hard aria after 1 hour offstage! My life is endless misery! *angsts*
Carlo (offstage) Help! I'm a plot point and they want to kill me!
Alvaro (runs out to rescue him)
Carlo (coming in with Alvaro) Oh, you saved my life! You're so awesome! Let's be best friends! *hug*
Alvaro: Ok! How about a nice duet? *wink wink*
Carlo: Excellent idea! Btw, I'm Don Felice de Bornos.
Alvaro: Don Federico Herreros.
Sadly, a battle breaks out before they could sing a proper duet...

Doctor: Can you see anything?
Random Observer: A lot of interesting things happen offstage... really... it's not just stage workers making noise, ok? Oh no, Cap'n Herreros is PWN'd.

Alvaro is brought onstage, kinda dying.
Carlo: Oh! My friend! You can't die! *sniff sniff*
Alvaro: Don't worry, now we can sing a duet!
Carlo: Yay!
Alvaro: So, keep this box safe and if I die, burn it all, ok? Don't look into it for my secrets.
Carlo. How would I! *hug*
Alvaro: My, this duet is just so good.
Carlo: Are you sure singing is good in your current state?
Alvaro: As long as I sing, I'm alive...
Doctor: Sorry to interrupt sirs, but maybe I can help.
Alvaro is carried offstage.

Carlo: Time for the tormented monologue, I guess. So, should I open it or not? Is he actually Alvaro? But he's my friend. Oh, the ANGST!
*stops, shudders* Can't I just skip the rest of this aria?
Audience: NO.
Carlo: *sigh* Ok, let's open it. WTF? LEONORA'S PIC? It's HIM!
Doctor: Your friend will recover, sir.
Carlo: Yay! I can kill him now! *victory dance*

Some time later

Alvaro and Carlo meet.

Carlo: All healthy?
Alvaro: Yup.
Carlo: How about a duel?
Alvaro: With whom?
Carlo: Me?
Alvaro: Why?
Carlo: Well actually I'm not Don Felice de Bornos. My Name Is Don Carlo Di Vargas. You Killed My Father. Prepare To Die.
*duel*
Soldiers: Hey, no killing each other here! *drag Carlo out*
Alvaro: Oh, my DOOM again! I must totally run into a convent now!
*does so*
Soldiers: Let's have some fun!
Melitone: No way, you naughty bastards!
Soldiers: *throw Melitone out*
Preziosilla: How about a "War Rocks" song again, boys?
Soldiers: Anytime!
Glorious war song occurs.


ACT IV

Scene 1

The monastery

The Poor: Melitone is such a jerk!
Melitone: What, you scum! Be happy I give you some sup.
The Poor: But Father Rafael is so much nicer.
Women. And hotter...
Melitone: Screw your Father Rafael, and now go to hell.
Guardian: *sigh* Melitone, you are hopeless.
Melitone: What's up with this Father Rafael? He looks like some half-breed but he's very touchy about that subject.
Guardian: Shhh, no spoilers! *exit*
Carlo arrives.
Carlo: Hey, monk! Bring me Father Rafael, NOW.
Melitone: Hah! Rafael again! That dude is really suspicious. *goes to fetch him*
Carlo: I found him at last! Now I'll have revenge!
Alvaro: You searched me, brother?
Carlo: *throws disguise off* It's ME!
Alvaro: Oh no, not again.
Carlo: My Name Is...
Alvaro. Yeah, I know. But I'm a monk now. I don't have a weapon.
Carlo: Don't worry, brought two swords.
Alvaro: Also, I can't kill people.
Carlo: Don't spoil the fun!
Alvaro: I woN't fight. Kill me if you want.
Carlo: That's not good! FIGHT!
Alvaro: No.
Carlo: You... you... dirty half-breed!
Alvaro: GIVE ME A SWORD! No, I can't be upset. Forgive me, brother.
Carlo: Dude, you're hopeless. *strikes him*
Alvaro: YOU! YOU ARE DEAD!
Carlo: YAY! Let's duel!
Both: NOW WE WILL TOTALLY KILL EACH OTHER!
Audience: Yay, some action at last!
Both: OFFSTAGE! *run out*
Audience: Oh, bugger.

Scene 2

Leonora's hut in the mountains.

Leonora: Surprise! I'm not dead yet! And time for an aria!
Carlo (offstage) Help! I'm dying!
Alvaro: Well, you wanted to fight.
Carlo: Bring me some priest!
Alvaro: Ok. *storms in* Must find hermit!
Leonora: ALVARO!
Alvaro: LEONORA!
*hug*
Alvaro: Um, I just killed your brother.
Carlo (offstage) I'm not dead yet!
Leonora: Why am I not surprised? *runs out*
Alvaro: This DOOM thing seriously sucks.
Leonora *screams*
Alvaro: Oh no.
Guardian: *comes in with Leonora* Carlo stabbed her!
Leonora: Yes, but doN't worry, I have enoguh strength to sing for ten minutes.
Alvaro: WHY MY GOD? WHY?

Original ending:

Alvaro: GOD! You know what? Fuck you! *jumps into chasm*

Family friendly ending:

Guardian: Let's sing a nice trio while she's dying.
Leonora: And pray.
Alvaro: *sniff*
Guardian: God is SO just.
Leonora: I'm totally ok with dying. *dies*
Alvaro: She's dead!
Guardian: Gone to Heaven!
Alvaro: Ok, curtain, please fall before I say something too strong for PG-13.
Curtain: At your service.

[sospiro]

I think Sieglinde should be awarded some sort of prize for these.

Love the audience input - wouldn't that be great in a live performance.

[Sieglinde]

And now, I try some Walküre.


The EPIC RING continues!


DIE WALKÜRE

ADULTERY! TWINCEST! ANGSTY GODS! HOT BABES IN BREASTPLATE! MAGIC FIRE!


Act 1

Hunding's house. Big ash tree, sword and all.
Snow storm.

Siegmund (falls in) Must... get... rest... (faints)
Sieglinde: Wow, a hottie! Hey, are you all right?
Siegmund: ...water...
Sieglinde: Here you are!
Long. Meaningful. Silence.
Sieglinde: Would you like some beer too?
Siegmund: Would you taste it?
Sieglinde *does so* Like I'd give you poison.
Siegmund *drinks*
Long. Meaningful. Silence.
Siegmund: I must go.
Sieglinde: Wait!
Siegmund: You know, I have this DOOM chasing me. Must have inherited it from Alvaro.
Sieglinde: Doom? Oh, that's already on this house.
Siegmund: Call me Wehwalt.
Long. Meaninful. Silence. Almost kiss...
Tubas finally work for their money!
Sieglinde: Oh no, music tells me Hunding's coming!
Hunding arrives. Big, bearlike, bearded dude with an axe. Sounds exactly like he looks.
Hunding: Mmm, suspicious guest... hey, woman, bring us some food! And BEER! And you there, sit down and tell me about yourself.
Long. meaningful. Silence.
Hunding: Are you mute or what? Hey, at least tell it to my woman. And TAKE YOUR EYES OFF HER NECKLINE, or I'll pwn you with this axe.
Sieglinde: Beware, he means it.
Siegmund: So, I'm Wehwalt, and I have an angsty past, you know, home destroyed, mommy killed, little sister kidnapped, that kind of stuff. My father was kinda a werewolf, I think. But he disappeared too.
Music: Pssst... it was Wotan.
Hunding: *eats*
Sieglinde: And how did you come here, weaponless?
Siegmund: Well, distressed damsel asked for my help. Killed her entire clan. Sort of. Then the rest came after us and she died. I had to flee.
Hunding: I KNEW IT! You're my clan's enemy! Well, since guests are sacred, you can sleep here. Then tomorrow I kill you and feed you to my dogs, ok?
Siegmund: ...
Sieglinde *gesticulates towards the tree*
Hunding: Woman, make my evening drink and let's go to bed.
Siegmund (alone) Dad, 'ow 'bout the sword you promised me?
Music and Light: There's the sword! In the TREE, you idiot!
Siegmund. *doesn't see it*
Music and Light: Hopeless.
Sieglinde: Hi, I gave Hunding something so he'll sleep and we can get away.
Siegmund: Yay! But I have no sword.
Sieglinde: Ok, so let me tell you a story. When we had our wedding with this pig, a Mysterious Stanger came in, dressed all in gray, wearing a big pointy hat and carrying a spear. Oh, and a sword.
Siegmund: Sounds like Gandalf to me.
Music: For the last time, it was WOTAN!
Sieglinde: So he stabbed the sword in the tree and said it belongs to the one who pulls it out. Everyone tried and everyone failed. It's for you.
Siegmund: Well, before I pull it out, let me have a nice song about how the Spirng married his sister Love.
Sieglinde: I totally prefers tenors to that grumbling bear.
Siegmund: Name me.
Sieglinde: Well, so was this werewolf guy your dad?
Siegmund: Actually, he was called Wälse.
Sieglinde: Then you are a Wälsung! I call you... Siegmund!
Siegmund: I. AM. SIEGMUND! *pulls sword out*
Sieglinde: And I'm Sieglinde! Your own sister!
Siegmund: No problem, I'm too horny to stop now. BLOOM, Wälsungen blood!

Curtain falls fast as sex seems to occur.

[mamascarlatti]

Ah, Sieglinde, this is so funny. Don't leave it too long till the next act!

[Sieglinde]

Not next act yet, but a list.

Common Types Of Arias


1. The I Am X And Live Like This...
2. The Let Me Tell What Happened In The Past, Don't Sleep You Bastard, I'm Telling Spoilers!
3. The I Just Met This Girl And I'm Totally In Love
4. The Evil Aria about How I'll Destroy The Tenor And Shag The Soprano, Dark Brass Sounds Included
5. The Oh My I'm Having Visions And Probably Getting Loony Aria (coloraturas for females, dissonant Sprachgesang for males)
6. The I'm Slain, But This Doesn't Stop Me From Singing For 10 Minutes
7. The I Stab/Poison Myself Mid-Aria, But I Still Have Enough Time To Finish
8. The I Believe In The Tenor, He Would Never Cheat Me (Or I'll Cut His Balls) Aria
9. The Someone Killed My Someone, I'll Have Revenge Aria
10. The Totally Pointless Lyrical Tenor Aria That Stops The Plot But is Beautiful
11. The I'll Be Executed, This Sucks, And The Audience Wants Me To Repeat This Aria
12. The You Betrayed Me, Prepare To Die Aria
13. The Lonely Tyrant Gets All Emo Aria
14. The Oh My God What Have I Done I Must Die Aria
15. The You Marry/Do/Kill X Or I Forsake You Aria
16. The Oh Father Have Mercy Aria
17. The How I Met The Tenor Aria
18. The Completely Unnecessary Aria When I Should Run And Save The Day
19. The This is Not An Aria, It's A Monologue, Ye Uneducated Scum, And I'll Sing It For Twenty Minutes or More
20. The I Am A Comic Baddie And I Have Super Low Notes Aria

[mamascarlatti]

Originally Posted by Sieglinde

.

6. The I'm Slain, But This Doesn't Stop Me From Singing For 10 Minutes

Great list.

Just watched Shirley Verrett in the last act of L'Africaine - and I swear every time she laid down and died she perked up again and continued for another ten minutes. This happened at least three times. The only way I knew she was really dead was when the curtain came down.

[sospiro]

Brilliant Sieglinde!

It takes an Act and a half for Boccanegra to die

[Sieglinde]

Tristan is quite tough too, but nothing beats Boccanegra.

Wait. Aschenbach. He takes about THREE HOURS to finally stop singing and snuff it. He's the world champion.


And why not some duets, too?

Tenor/Soprano

1. I Love You, Let's Sing About It!
2. I Met You Five Minutes Ago, But I Love You And I Will Ruin My Life
3. I Love You, Let's Escape
4. Ok, But First We Sing Long Enough For My Guardians Or Husband To Hear It!
5. Sorry, But I Love The Mezzo-Soprano, Which Will Lead To You Having A Revenge Duet With The Baritone

Soprano/Mezzo-Soprano

1. But You Knew The Tenor For How Long? Five Minutes? He Might Be a Serial Killer!
2. The Tenor Will Be Mine, Soprano Bitch, And I Wipe The Stage With You
3. Oh Yes, The Tenor Will Surely Return, We Might As Well Throw Flowers On The Stage
4. Let's Do A Prank On The Men!
5. I Love You, But It's Ok, I'm A Boy Now!
6. Hey Mezzo Boy, Let's Disguise You As A Girl!

Tenor/Baritone

1. The Soprano Is MINE, And Thou Shalt Die, Fiend
2. Let's Have A Nice Duet About Male Bonding And Freedom, Wink Wink Nudge Nudge
3. Listen To Me, Son, The Soprano Is Kinda A Whore

Tenor/Bass

1. Oh Teach Me To Use The Force Master! I'm Here For Knowledge!
2. STFU King, You Suck.
3. You Want To Marry MY Soprano, Old Perv? Here, Have My Horn Instead.
4. Let's Do Some Conspiracy Against The Baritone! Then You Can Have The Girl!
5. The Baritone Is Plotting Against You! Be Warned! - Dude, Just Fuck Off. - But He Is! Really! - Man, These Basses Are Annoying.

Baritone/Bass

1. I HATE You!
2. OMG You're Dying! I Forgive You Now!
3. With All Due Respect, Sire, You Suck. - That's My Man! I Love Honesty! *hugs*
4. Sir, Are You Sure This Is A Good Idea? - Oh, Shut Up Coward, This Will Be FUN!

Bass/Bass

1. SHUT UP BOY! I'M 90 AND STILL HAVE MORE BALLS THAN YOU! AND I'M HERE TO BE THE LARGEST HAM AND CHEW ALL SCENERY AND SING YOU OFF THE STAGE IN ONLY TEN MINUTES!

Baritone/Soprano

1. Have Sex With Me Or The Tenor Dies (Well, He Dies Anyway)
2. You Cheated On Me With The Tenor! I Keel Ya! And Him Too!
3. Did You Know Your Wife Cheated On You With The Tenor?
4. Don't Worry My Adorable Little Daughter, Daddy's Gotta Protect You!
5. Oh! I Failed To Protect You! Now I Gotta Kill Everyone!
6. No, Daughter... Don't Give Up... The Ambulance Is Coming Soon!
7. Hands Off My Son You Filthy Whore! Oh Wait, You're Actually Nice.

Bass/Soprano

1. No, I'm Not Marrying You, Old Perv!
2. Yes, I'm Your Wife, But I Love The Tenor.
3. Don't Worry Dad, I Can Handle It!


Bass/Mezzo-Soprano

1. Quarreling Like And Old Married Couple


Baritone/Mezzo-Soprano

1. See Above
2. Let's Do Some Intrigue Together!
3. I Keel Ya!

Bass-baritone/Soprano

1. You Defied My Orders! I'm Sulky Now!
2. Girl, Just Go And Choose The Tenor, Ok? I'm Old.
3. I'm Undead, But I Guess That's Ok Since You Are A Crazy Fangirl

Bass-baritone/Tenor

1. Don't Worry Boy, They Suck But They'll Accept You Tomorrow
2. I'm Stopping You For No Reason - That's Ok Grandpa, I'm Kicking You From Behind
3. Hey Kid, Wanna Have Some Sex, Power, Gold And Youth? It Only Costs You Your Soul.

Bass-baritone - Mezzo-Soprano

1. I Should Never Have Married You!
2. Oh No, She Wants TO Marry ME!

Bass-baritone/Bass

1. You Got Goldz? You Can Totally Marry My Underage Daughter, Despite Being Undead.

[sospiro]

Originally Posted by Sieglinde

Fantastic Sieglinde

Tenor/Baritone
2. Let's Have A Nice Duet About Male Bonding And Freedom, Wink Wink Nudge Nudge

Here this on http://www.weta.org/fm/listenlive tonight at 18:00h CET.