Opera tales (not quite serious)

[Sieglinde]

I love writing silly things, so...

Ever had a problem with the plots? This will help (or so I hope).




Verdi: Il trovatore


GYPSY! REVENGE! STAKE! FIRE! LOVE! HATE! WITCH! DEATH!

Characters:

Count di Luna (baritone) - a sexy, young aristocrat, has a crush on Leonora
Leonora (soprano) - the object of desires. Needs glasses.
Manrico (tenor) - the Hero! also a minstrel, a knight and a pretty big male Mary Sue and wannabe-Errol Flynn
Azucena (mezzo-soprano or contralto) - kinda crazy Gypsy witch
Ferrando (bass) - old soldier, faithful to Luna. Likes to tell creepy stories
Inez (mezzo-soprano) - Leonora's best friend. Needs to get a life.


ACT I

Scene 1: Count di Luna's palace

Guards: We're bored.
Ferrando: Should I tell you a nice horror story?
Guards: Sure!
Ferrando: So there was this creepy witch who jinxed our beloved Count's little brother. They were babies that time.
Women in audience: Awww. LittleLuna and LittleManrico. So CUTE.
Guards: And then?
Ferrando: Their father's men catched the witch and she was burned on stake.
Guard: Witch burning is a good freetime activity. This is Teh Dark Middle Ages.
Ferrando: But she cried for revenge, and there was her daughter, also a demmed witch, who heard that.
Guards: *excited* And? And?
Ferrando: Witch Junior kidnapped Little Ma... I mean, Garcia. And later, on the very place where the old witch was burned... *pause for effect* They found a child's bones, still smoking!
Guards: *shudder* The HORROR!
Ferrando: But the old Count didn't believe his son was dead, and he made Little Luna swear he'll seek for his brother. And then he died for the greater dramatic effect.
Guards: Of sorrow?
Ferrando: Nope, he'd read this stupid libretto and he died of shock.
Guards: And? What about the old witch's soul?
Ferrando: Well, she's kinda playing Miss Jessell lately and she scared some Random Guard to death. As an owl, for she's an animagus, too. They say she's always around at midnight...
Tower Clock: *MIGNIGHT*
All: OH! THE HORROR! I CAN SEE THE EVIL WITCH!

Scene 2: Leonora's garden

Inez: You're waiting for the Mysterious Masked Minstrel?
Leonora: Yeah.
Inez: Maybe you should tell it once again, there might be people in audience who don't know the story.
Leonora: *aria* So we met on a tournament and he was the Black Knight and SO brave and pwn'd everyone and he looked like a Walter Scott Hero, and I'm in love now. And then he sneaked into my garden and gave serenades. SO romantic.
Inez: I have a bad feeling about this.
Leonora: You are just jealous because I have a date! *coloraturas* *exeunt*
Count: I'm such a stalker. Leonora is SO sexy. Tonight, I'll confess her my everlasting LOVE!
Manrico (offstage) SERENADE TIME!
Count: AH! I'm so JEALOUS!
Leonora: *runs in* AWWW MY LOVE! *mistakes Luna for Manricos and hugs him* KISS ME!
Count: WTF?
Manrico: YOU BETRAYED ME, BITCH!
Leonora: Stupid darkness. I really should have electricity in this garden. Sorry, Manrico, I meant YOU, not HIM.
Count: YOU BROKE MY HEART!
Manrico: That's your problem, friend-o.
Count: Who art thou, scoundrel?!
Manrico: I'm Manrico, the Mysterious Masked Minstrel, also the almost-WalterScottHero, also the Black Knight from the tournament...
Count: Manrico?! You'll SO die.
Leonora: Stop this, you idiots!
Manrico: The Black Knight always wins!
Count: We'll see it!
*duel begins, curtain falls*
Audience: We always miss the best part.

ACT II

Scene 1: Gypsy camp in the mountains

Chorus: Yo-ho-ho, a Gypsy's life for me!
Azucena: FIRE.
Chorus: Oh no, she begins it again.
Azucena: *aria* I'm PYROMANIAC because my mother was burned and she asked me for revenge PLOT POINT!
Chorus: Um... we have to go... see you later... *flee*
Manrico: What's this thing with the fire, mom?
Azucena: Okay, so for those who slept through Ferrando's aria: the EVIL count let my mom burned although she WASN'T a witch, and she asked for revenge and FLAMES WENT UP TO HEAVEN AND FIRE WAS EVERYWHERE and it looked like a cheap horror movie. And then I kidnapped the count's little son and I wanted to burn him on the very place mom was burned.
Manrico: Mother, ever heard the word "overreacting"?
Azucena: THEY F'KIN KILLED ME MOM!
Manrico: Uh... and... did you burn the child?
Azucena: Well... I wanted, but he played with mine and they were so CUTE that I almost didn't do it. And then, I HEARD MY MOM'S VOICE IN ME HEAD AND I SAW THE FLAMES UP TO HEAVEN SEE ABOVE.
Manrico: Thank you, NOW I can see it.
Azucena: And I reached out, grabbed kid, threw him into the fire, and THE FLAMES WENT UP TO HEAVEN...
Manrico: *aside* If she says this again, I'll kick her.
Azucena: And then, when I woke up from my hallutinations, it was done, and I saw... the Count's SON PLOT POINT! playing beside me! I KILLED MY BABY! I KILLED MY BABY!
Manrico: Um... then... who am I?!
Audience: It's kinda obvious.
Azucena: OH FORGET IT. Better tell me about your last duel with the EVIL Count.
Manrico: Well, I was about to kill him, when a Heavenly Voice spoke and forbid it.
Azucena: *aside* Thank God he's so naive. MANRICO! FORGET THOSE VOICES! NEXT TIME KILL HIM!
Manrico: But...
Azucena: KILL HIM!
Manrico: Okay...
Random Gypsy: Hey, Manrico, bad news...
Manrico: Leonora? Into convent? Tonight? ACTION TIME!
Azucena: OH NO don't go!
Manrico: Bye, mom!

Scene 2: Convent

Ferrando: My lord, are you sure this is a good idea?
Count: Shut up! *aria* I LOVE LEONORA AND I'LL KIDNAP HER! NOBODY CAN TAKE HER FROM ME, NOT EVEN GOD!
Ferrando: Don't swear, my lord.
Count: Shut up, Ferrando.
Nuns: *some latin hymn*
Leonora: Bye, girlfriends.
Inez & girlfriends: *sob*
Leonora: Let's go to the altar.
Count: WITH ME, MY DEAR!
Leonora: *gasp*
Manrico: NOT SO FAST!
All: AH! He's alive!
Leonora: You're alive!
Count: I KEEL YA!
Ferrando: In a holy place?!
Count: Oh sh*t.
Manrico & Leonora: Well, see you after the pause!

ACT III

Scene 1: Camp before Castellor

Chorus: We're merry and we dance!
Ferrando: We're here because our lord's crush is inside Castellor. With her boyfriend Manrico.
Count: Good, just remind me on my suffering! She...she's making out with Manrico RIGHT NOW! I'm losing my mind!
Ferrando: We catched a Gypsy hag.
Count: Good, bring her in.
Azucena *is brought* I PROTEST!
Count: Shut up, Gypsy bitch.
Azucena: This is not PC, you know.
Count: We're in the Middle Ages, you know. What art thou doing here?
Azucena: Just searching for my son...
Ferrando: I think I know her.
Count: Oh, really? Not spying?
Azucena: Absolutely not, sir.
Ferrando: I KNOW I know her! She's Witch Junior who stole your little brother, my lord.
Count: YOU! You get SO burned!
Azucena: PLEASE NOOOO!
Count: MURDERER!
Azucena: OH MANRICO MY SON PLEASE HELP!
Count: HIS MOTHER! WHAT A COINCIDENCE! Tie her out so Manrico can see her and run into my EVIL trap.

Scene 2: Inside Castellor

Manrico: *aria* I LOVE YOU
Leonora: I lo...
Random Gypsy: Hey, Manrico, bad news...
Manrico: Déja vu.
Random Gypsy: Your mom is in the hands of the EVIL Count!
Leonora: Your mom is a Gypsy? Wow.
Manrico: *aria* MOM! I SAVE YOU! I SEE THE FLAMES UP TO HEAVEN! That's why I must hurry instead of STANDING HERE MOTIONLESS AND BELT OUT HIGH Cs!

ACT IV

Scene 1: Count Luna's palace, night

Random Gypsy: So Manrico was defeated and now he sits beside his mom in the Dark Tower Prison and he waits for the executioner.
Leonora: Okay, Plot Explainer, you can go now. Bye. *aria* MANRICO! I LOVE YOU AND I WILL SAVE YOU!
Chorus: *offstage* Miserere!
Manrico: *offstage* Goodbye, Leonora! Don't forget me!
Leonora: Are you kidding? *hides*
Count: She disappeared. No matter, at least I can execute her boyfriend.
Leonora: Actually, I'm here.
Count: YOU! What do you want?
Leonora: Tips?
Count: To release Manrico? NEVER!
Leonora: Oh, PLEEEEEASE. *puppy eyes*
Count: You have no power over me.
Leonora: Don't quote cheap fantasy movies. And PLEEEEEASE, release him! *kneels*
Count: NO WAY, REVENGE IS MY GOD NOW!
Leonora: Don't swear. There's a price!
Count: Sorry, I'm not corruptable.
Leonora: I'll marry you.
Count: OMG REALLY?! *squee*
Leonora: Sure.
Count: Make a vow!
Leonora: I swear I'll be yours.
Count: YAY! Hold on, I'll bring the cell keys.
Leonora: *drinks poison* I didn't say ALIVE.
Count: *back* YAY! I LOVE YOU!
Leonora: YAY! HE WILL LIVE!

Scene 2: prison cell

Azucena: I can't sleep. I SEE THE FLAMES UP TO H...
Manrico: Great, keep saying that and surely you won't sleep.
Azucena: Let's go home into the mountains!
Manrico: Let's.
Azucena: zzzzzz
Manrico: Finally.
Leonora: Hi, Manrico!
Manrico: LEO! *wuw* How could you come in?
Leonora: I have keys. Hurry! Go.
Manrico: And you?
Leonora: I... um... I must stay here.
Manrico: So you bought my life by SELLING YOURSELF TO LUNA!
Leonora: Kinda, yes.
Manrico: AWAY, YE DEMMED WHORE! I CURSE YOU!
Leonora: I didn't deserve this.
Azucena: *sings in sleep*
Manrico: YOU BETRAYED ME, BITCH!
Leonora: I'm dying.
Manrico. What? OMG speak! What have you done?
Leonora: Poisoned myself.
Manrico: OH NO I'M A THANKLESS BASTARD I CURSED THIS ANGEL! FORGIVE ME, MY LOVE!
Leonora: It's all right, my dear. You are so stupid, but that's why I love you.
Count: *enter* SHE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME! SHE'S DYING FOR HIM!
Leonora: I love you, Manrico. *dies*
Count: SOLDIERS! TAKE HIM TO THE SCAFFOLD!
Manrico: Bye, mom *is dragged out*
Azucena: *awakes* Have I missed something?
Count: Not yet, thy son is being executed right now.
Azucena: OH NO STOP!
Count: NO WAY I'M EVIL AND I'LL FORCE THEE TO WATCH HIM DIE!
Azucena: NOOOOOOO!
Count: Well, it happened.
Azucena: HE WAS YOUR BROTHER!
Count: OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE! *falls to the ground, totally broken*
Azucena: REVENGE PROJECT: FULFILLED! SQUEE!
Curtain: *falls dramatically*



I encourage everyone to write some. I have also one for Don Carlo, and if you like, will produce more.

[mamascarlatti]

[Sieglinde]

More Reviews are welcomed.


Verdi: Don Carlo



SPANISH INQUISITION! TYRANNY! STAKE! LOVE! MALE FRIENDSHIP! SELF-SACRIFICE! LIBERTY! DEATH!


Characters:


Philip II, King of Spain (bass) - a lonely tyrant who needs a hug
Elisabeth of Valois, his wife (soprano) - married the father, loves the son
Don Carlo, his son (tenor) - Do you think Hamlet sucks as he never does anything? Try Carlo.
Princess Eboli, lady-in-waiting (mezzo-soprano) - loves Carlo. Sleeps with Philip.
Rodrigo, Marquis of Posa (baritone) - idealistic, noble-hearted freedom fighter, most likely Enjolras' Spanish Doppelgänger
Grand Inquisitor (bass) - super evil old high priest
Monk (bass) - Philip's dad in disguise


Warnings: Complicated relationships. Some bad words.



ACT I

Scene I: San Juste

Monk: Praying is good. Life is brief and it sucks in general.
Chorus: Like Emperor Carlo V's who retired from the throne and became a monk. *wink THE SOLOIST MONK wink*
Carlo: My love married my father. I'm kinda emo now.
Rodrigo: Cheer up, my dear prince!
Carlo: Oh, my Rodrigo! My best friend! *hug* Male bonding is SO good.
Rodrigo: Why are you so sad, dear Carlo?
Carlo: You know, I still have a crush on Elisabeth.
Rodrigo: Your MOM?!
Carlo: Just my stepmother.
Rodrigo: ...
Carlo: My life is endless misery.
Rodrigo: *aside* Your WHAT? *to Carlo* Hey, why not help people whose life sucks even more than yours?
Carlo: ?
Rodrigo: Flandrian Protestant Freedom Fighters.
Carlo: Oh, great idea! Let's sing a duet about FREEDOM!
Both: OH SWEET FREEDOM! Thou be dearer than our lives!
Philip, Elisabeth and Random Court People go across the church. The boys hide.
Carlo: LIZZIE! With HIM! *gets angsty*
Rodrigo: Calm down!
Both: FREEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
William Wallace (offstage) Stop stealin' my lines!


Scene II: Garden of San Juste

Ladies: It's hot.
Eboli: Yeah, let's sing. *sings*
Elisabeth: *appears, is sad*
Eboli: I wonder why is she so sad.
Random Female Singer Disguised As A Boy: Marquis of Posa asks an audience of your highness.
Elisabeth: Let him in! Oh, hi, Marquis.
Rodrigo: I have letters, my queen... but please, read Carlo's silly love letter which I have hidden amongst them.
Elisabeth: *reads*
Eboli: What's she reading?
Rodrigo: We have a nice weather, don't we?
Eboli: Sureee. You are a pretty boy, you know.
Rodrigo: Sorry, I'm platonically in love with Carlo.
Eboli: Same here, although "platonically" is not necessary.
Rodrigo: So, what's the answer, my queen?
Elisabeth: Go offstage. Everyone. I want to have a duet with my son.
*exeunt*
Carlo: My queen...
Elisabeth: My son...
Carlo: Stop calling me like this!
Elisabeth: I'm married to your dad.
Carlo: And that SUCKS! I know you love ME!
Elisabeth: Oh, don't begin it again.
Carlo: LIZZIE! LOVE ME! *faints*
Elisabeth: You are hopeless. *hugs him*
Carlo: LIZZIE! *hug* BE MINE. NAO.
Elisabeth: *angry* GO KILL YOUR FATHER, YOU INSANE EMO BASTARD!
Carlo: GAWD! I AM CURSED! *runs*
Philip: *appears with court* Why so alone, m'lady?
Elisabeth: ...
Philip: Which dame should have been with your highness?
Random Dame: Um... me.
Philip: YOU ARE FIRED!
Random Dame: *cries*
Elisabeth: *aria* Oh no! My evil husband fired my favourite girlfriend!
Exeunt all, except Philip...
Philip: *to Rodrigo* You stay here!
Rodrigo: Yay! Now I can rant to you about how bad tyranny is and how the Flandrians want FREEDOM and how old-fashioned this whole catholic absolutism is...
Philip: You've been born about 200 years too early, lad.
Rodrigo: But it doesn't make you less EVIL and TYRANNIC.
Philip: Hey, I like you. You are not a flatterer. Besides, would you please spy on Carlo?
Rodrigo: No way!
Philip: I absolutely like thee, boy. But watch out for the Grand Inquisitor. Dude's kinda conservative, you know.

ACT II

Scene I: another garden, night

Carlo: I got a love letter! Surely it's from LIZZIE!
Veiled Lady: I love you!
Carlo: I love you too!
Veiled Lady: Kiss me! *removes veil, turns out to be Eboli*
Carlo: Oops.
Eboli: So you expected the queen! I HATE YOU NOW!
Carlo: ...
Eboli: I'm going to betray you to the king!
Rodrigo: Not if I stab you first.
Carlo: Rodrigo, behave! We don't want to have a higher rating.
Rodrigo: Okay, go bitch.
Eboli: I'M GONNA HAVE REVENGE AND YOU WILL DIE!
Rodrigo: Carlo, do you happen to have some compromitting letters on you? Give'em to me.
Carlo: Okay! Where would I be without you?


Scene II: before a cathedral. Autodafe.

People: YAY! Heretics on stake! Let the show begin!
Inquisitors: DAY OF WRATH!
People: Right, just screw up our joy!
Heretics: ... this sucks.
Random Courtman: The King's coming!
Philip and Elisabeth come.
People: Long live the King!
Carlo: Hey, dad, would you mind to listen to some Flandrians?
Flandrians: Tyranny sucks. We are suffering. PLEASE have mercy.
Philip: Go to hell.
Everyone except inquisitors: Have mercy!
Inquisitors: Don't have mercy!
Philip: EVERYONE. SHUT. UP. NAO.
Carlo: Dad, time for a duel! *draws sword*
Everyone: *gasp*
Philip: Someone help me? Please?
Rodrigo: Carlo, give that sword to me and be a good boy, right?
Carlo: *very, very wounded* YOU! You... betrayed me?
Rodrigo gives the sword to Philip.
Philip: You're a prince from now. Come, let the show begin! Oh... guards, throw Carlo in jail. Thanks.
Stakes: *burn*
Heretics: *burn*
Voice From Heaven: Don't worry boys, you'll get into Heaven!
Heretics: Very comforting.


ACT III

Scene 1: big room in the palace. Night.

Philip: *aria* I'm lonely and old and unloved and depressed. I want to die.
Grand Inquisitor enters. Very old, blind, and totally EVIL.
Inquisitor: Hi, Philip, wanna chat?
Philip: What should I do with my rebellious son?
Inquisitor: Slap him?
Philip: Tried it. Didn't work.
Inquisitor: Then execute him.
Philip: But he's my SON!
Inquisitor: God let his son executed, too.
Philip. But he's God.
Inquisitor: Well, I want to chat, too. About that heretic freedom fighter friend of yours.
Philip: Let Posa out of this!
Inquisitor: No way. He's EVIL and he's CORRUPTING you!
Philip: But...
Inquisitor: HE MUST DIE.
Philip: SHUT UP, SHAVELING!
Inquisitor: If you're handling me like this, I can go!
Philip. Oh... sorry. Let's forget it.
Inqusitor: I'll think about it. *exit*
Philip: He humiliated me AGAIN. *glorious low F of DOOM*
Elisabeth: HELP! THIEF! ROBBERY! HELP!
Philip: Are you searching the box in which you're HIDING MY SON' S PICTURE?!
Elisabeth: Um... yeah.
Philip: YOU CHEATED ME, DEMMED HOOR!
Elisabeth: *faints*
Philip: OH NO WHAT HAVE I DONE! HELP! SHE FAINTED!
Rodrigo: You should learn to behave, Sire.
Philip: OH I'M A WRETCH! SHE'S INNOCENT!
Eboli: OH I'M A WRETCH TOO! I must turn into a good girl!
Rodrigo: YAY I made the Inquisition think I made the Flandrians rebel, not Carlo! Which is practically the fact! Now I'll sacrifice myself!
Elisabeth: I want to home to my mom.
*exeunt the men*
Eboli: OH PLEASE PUNISH ME!
Elisabeth: ... why?
Eboli: I STOLE THE BOX FOR I LOVED CARLO TOO AND I WAS JEALOUS!
Elisabeth: Oh, that's all right. I forgive you.
Eboli: I also slept with Philip.
Elisabeth: GO INTO CONVENT. NAO.
Eboli: *aria* I CURSE MY BEAUTY WHAT TURNED ME INTO SUCH A BITCH! I'll save Carlo!

Scene 2: Jail

Carlo: *is bored*
Rodrigo: Hi, Carlo!
Carlo. OH MY DEAR FRIEND!
Rodrigo: You'll be free soon. *aria* And I'll die for you happily.
Carlo: Die?!
Rodrigo: I made some mysterious inrigues with the letters you gave me, and now the Grand Inquisitor thinks I'm the leader of the Flandrian rebellion.
Carlo. OH NO WAIT I'LL GO TO THE KING AND TELL HIM EVERYTHING!
Rodrigo: It's too late.
*gets shot by Random Assassin*
Carlo: NOOOOOOO!
Rodrigo: *aria* Carlo... your mom's waiting for you in San Juste... and... go the the Netherlands and make a REAL rebellion. I'm dying... but you'll... save... them... god bless you... *dies*
Carlo: *cries*
Philip: Carlo, time to get out of here. I give your sword back.
Carlo: YOU MURDERED MY BEST FRIEND! I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! HE SACRIFISED HIMSELF FOR ME!
Philip: I KNEW it.
People: Let's rebel!
Courtmen: OH NO THEY ARE REBELLING!
Philip: Open the doors!
Courtmen: But...
Philip: OPEN THE DOORS I SAY!
Courtmen: OH NO HE'S QUOTING SWEENEY TODD WE ARE LOST!
People: REBELLION! YAY! Let's cut off some heads!
Philip: What do you want?
People: Carlo!
Philip: He's here...
Eboli: Come with me! *drags Carlo out*
Inquisitor: REBELLING AGAINST YER KING?! TO YER KNEES!
People: We don't want to rebel anymore. Long live the King!
Inquisitor: Well, Philip, what would you do without me?

ACT IV

Elisabeth: *aria* I'm praying to my dead father-in-law! And waiting for Carlo!
Carlo: Hi, Lizzie!
Elisabeth: So... you are going now? *tear*
Carlo: Yes. Totally. I'll be a Belgian guerilla and lead them into revolution.
Elisabeth: You are my HERO!
Carlo: Well, Rodrigo taught me girls like heroes better than emo princes.
Elisabeth: Fare thee well, my son!
Carlo: Fare thee well forever!
Philip: YEAH! FOREVER! You'll be SO DEAD.
Carlo/Elisabeth: This is not what it seems!
Philip: I DON'T CARE. INQUISITOR! GET THEM!
Inquisitor: *sadistic smile* NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Monk: *appears* NOT SO FAST! Come with my, grandson.
Inquisitor: The voice of the dead emperor!
Philip: MY DAD!
The emperor and Carlo vanish together.
Elisabeth: *screams*
Curtain: *falls*

[leonora]

LOVE the DON CARLO!!!

[Mischa]

I really love that thread!

Carlo: My love married my father. I'm kinda emo now.

That's dynamite stuff! I'd love to have more time currently and try to contribute to this thread. I'd hardly top "kinda emo now", but I'd try...!

Great stuff, Sieglinde!

[Zeitblom]

Originally Posted by Sieglinde

Philip: Open the doors!
Courtmen: But...
Philip: OPEN THE DOORS I SAY!
Courtmen: OH NO HE'S QUOTING SWEENEY TODD WE ARE LOST!

[mamascarlatti]

Good stuff Sieglinde.

Having read your version I see what you mean in another thread about Don Carlos being a big girl's blouse. I've always consoled myself with the thought that at least he's not as bad as the real Don Carlos who was seriously two sandwiches short of a picnic. And Placido Domingo was pretty cute in the Met version. But I take issue with the idea of Posa as a good bet, he'd be all "Stay home and mind the kids while I save the world and bond with my buddy, no I don't know what time I'll be home". Guys like that are a bit short on romantic dinners and cosy evenings by the fire.

Now how about turning your hand to Eugene Onegin, I bet you could have a good time with that insufferable prig.

[Sieglinde]

I have to watch my Onegin dvd first for fresh impressions. I'd have done it before, but Ramón Vargas as Lensky seems scary. But it has the beautiful Dmitri, so I'll do it...

Hm, what to do till then?

I'll try Tristan.


So...


Tristan und Isolde

CHROMATIC MUSIC! PASSION! MIST! DRINK OF DOOM! LONGEST DYING SCENE EVER!

Characters:

Tristan (tenor) - THE angsty romantic hero. Suffering is his job. And also his hobby.
King Marke (bass) - your good ol' huggable king
Kurwenal (baritone) - Tristan's faithful friend/servant/nanny
Melot (tenor) - sorry audience, we're currently short in bad guys, this was the best we could get...
Isolde (soprano) - THE angsty romantic heroine. Don't mess with her.
Brangäne (mezzo-soprano) - Isolde's maid



ACT II

Some ship. A very angry Isolde. A very wise Tristan hiding and calling it "doing my duty".

Invisible Seaman: Let's make the Irish chick even more angry...
Isolde: I'm REALLY angry.
Brangäne: Why, my lady? Is it because Tristan who killed Morold and became your lover and then left you now came back to bring you to his old, impotent king?
Isolde: Not quite. What really pisses me off is that I'm trapped in this EPIC cape which covers half stage, and... I'm seasick too.
Brangäne: Maybe you should sing about this Morold story. We can't repeat it enough times.
Isolde: Yeah. So, Tristan pwn'd Morold, but he was wounded too, and almost dead, so they sent him in a boat to the sea, but he randomly landed in Ireland, and I nursed him, so... he got better. And I found out who he was, but I already loved him, and everything was alright... and then the moron goes home, talks about me to that pervy old king, and now here we are.
Brangäne: ...
Isolde: Why don't you go to Tristan and tell him how do I hate him? Oh, besides, I'd like to invite him for tea...
Brangäne goes to Tristan: ...she hates you. And she wants to see you for a tea.
Kurwenal: We hate Irish chicks too. And a Badass Romantic Hero doesn't drink tea!
Brangäne: Not becoming the secondary couple, are we?
Kurwenal: My heart is already taken, sorry.
Brangäne goes back to Isolde: He... doesn't like tea.
Isolde: DOESN'T... LIKE... TEA?! This is a deadly insult! HE MUST DIE! AND I MUST DIE TOO! Go and bring... the Super Fast And Deadly Poison!
Brangäne: But...
Isolde: DO WHAT ISOLDE COMMANDED THEE!
Brangäne: ...wow, she's talking in third person again. VERY bad sign. *off to fetch drink*
Tristan arrives.
Long, dramatic music.
Gazings.
Music.
More gazings.
Tristan: Um, sorry, the orchestra really takes over sometimes.
Isolde: I could have killed you back then, remember?
Tristan: Why didn't you do it, Lady?
Isolde: Where would be the drama then?
Tristan: True. So.. how are you going to do it this time?
Isolde: Oh, I actually want peace. And since I've heard you don't like tea, how about some nice Irish whisky with a little poison?
Tristan: Sounds yummy!
Isolde: Bran! Bring it.
Brangäne: *comes out trembling, brings cup*
Isolde: Only after you.
Tristan: *dramatic facial expression* Your health... *drinks*
Isolde: Hey, half's mine! *grabs cup, drinks*
BIG! DRAMATIC! PAUSE!
They stand there like waking from a dream.
Isolde: Tristan...
Tristan: Isolde...
BIG! EPIC! KISS!
Brangäne: I knew I should've read what was written on the phial.
STILL KISSING!
Kurwenal: *storms in* Hey! We've reached Cornwall! The king's wai... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Tristan: Isolde...
Isolde: Tristan...
Kurwenal: Oh shi-! Brangäne, help to tear these fools apart...
Tristan/Isolde: Nooooo, we want to kiss...
Kurwenal: It's the KING!
Tristan: *looking very stupid* Who?


ACT II

Garden with the Big Tree. Nice balmy night. Isolde and Brangäne waiting.

Brangäne: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Isolde: Tristan... sex... nice warm night... looks absolutely alright to me.
Brangäne: Ok, I'll stand watch.
Isolde: Out with the light!
Brangäne: No, not yet!
They discuss about the light for ten minutes.
Isolde: OUT!
Tristan: *runs in*
BIG! EPIC! KISS!
Isolde: Let's sing about how day sucks and night rocks.
Tristan. Yeah, that's a good idea.
They sing for about half an hour.
Tristan: I want to die.
Isolde: Me too. Our BIG EPIC LOVE can only be fulfilled in death.
Brangäne: Watch out, dawn's near!
Tristan. Another duet about how we hate dawn?
Isolde: Sounds good.
Kurwenal: *storms in. Apparently it's the only way he can appear* TRISTAN! RUN! IT'S MA...
Marke and Melot enter.
Scene freezes.
Marke: You know, Tristan, I really didn't expect this from you. Now let me sing about this for, like, ten minutes.
Everyone waits peacefully till Marke finishes.
Marke: TRISTAN! WHY?!
Tristan: *wakes up* Um... that, my king, I cannot answer to thee! *hugs Isolde*
Melot: TRAITOR! HE DID IT AGAIN!
Tristan: Oh, just come and stab me, ok?
Melot: *does so*
Tristan: *falls into Kurwenal's arms*
Kurwenal: I owe you a kick from behind, but now I must carry him...
*exit*

ACT III

The misty, ominous rocks of Kareol. Winter. Poor dying Tristan is just under the open sky. Wonder why he's having fever.

Old Shepherd *plays*
Kurwenal: It's all my fault.
Old Shepherd: *plays*
Kurwenal: Still no ship?
Old Shepherd: Nope.
Kurwenal: Go up that rock and play something less tempting to cut one's wrists when you see one, ok?
Old Shepherd: What' wrong with this tune?
Kurwenal: Just go.
Tristan: Isolde...
Kurwenal: OH! YOU'RE AWAKE! *hugs him* MY LORD! I'M SO HAPPY!
Tristan: What happened?
Kurwenal: Melot stabbed you.
Tristan: Want... Isolde...
Kurwenal: She's on her way.
Tristan: Really?
Kurwenal: Yeah, the old shepherd will play some more cheerful when she arrives... *aside* Or when I kick him on a very secret place.
Tristan: *agonizes for, like, 40 minutes*
Audience: Just DIE already.
Shepherd: *plays something really cheerful*
Tristan: IT'S HER! KURWENAL! GO! CARRY HER HERE!
Kurwenal: I thought she hath legs... *goes off*
Tristan: *in ecstasy* I CAN'T WAIT! ISOLDE! ISOLDE! *rips off bandage. Bleeds.. or at least, he should.* ZU IHR!
Isolde: *offstage* Wait, I'm coming!
Tristan: Hurry, honey!
Isolde: *storms in. She learnt it from Kurwenal* MY LOVE!
Tristan: My... LOVE! *falls to her feet, dead*
Isolde: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Brangäne enters: It's all my fault!
Kurwenal *offstage* NONE SHALL PASS! *he and Melot storm in, also some Random Men of Marke*
Melot: Hi...
Kurwenal: BERSERK MODE! *slays everyone, gets slain*
Marke enters: OH NO.
Kurwenal: *See, King? You screwed it all up. *falls beside Tristan and dies*
Marke: Dead! All dead!
Brangäne: *sob sob*
Marke: I know everything! I came to forgive...
Isolde: Off with you, all. Epic Closing Monologue comes.
EPIC CLOSING MONOLOGUE
Isolde: It ain't over till I'm singing!
Music is so dramatic and ecstatic that you know it's over in ten seconds...
Isolde: Don't forget: singing instead of having sex and then dying for it is the greatest JOY!
*dies*
Music: I might be really fine and pianissimo, but just try to applaud before the last chord and you'll die too!
*curtain*

[mamascarlatti]

He he. I've never even seen the damn opera and it's funny.

Definitely do Onegin. Any excuse to watch our boy Dima in a series of mighty fine tight-fitting outfits.

What's scary about Vargas (apart from some weird thing on the top of his head - can't work out whether it's a bald patch or a huge bird's egg or a flesh coloured skull cap)?

[Sieglinde]

Oh, I simply have a phobia against fat tenors... especially when it comes to fragile, romantic poets. (Or heroic, fated wolf-sons.) For Ottavio, he was quite ok - Ottavio is hopeless anyway, all he must do it flawless singing.